Can You Hear This?

Perhaps Sugar, Honey and I were a little hasty in calling them “husband” stories! Over the years, since we’ve been telling these tales, I’ve heard quite a few from the “other side of the fence”, don’t cha know! It appears that shrewing, snippy wives can be the source of many a “stupid” story. So in fairness to all the wonderful, dear friends I have that just happen to be men, we may have to change the title to “Stupid Spouse Stories”, ’cause, friends, I’m here to tell ya, I’ve heard some doozies!

Here’s one that should amuse you………………

One gentleman friend of mine, Handsome, was once married to a woman who had a strong sense of her position in the universe. She believed that she was the center of it; everyone and everything else revolved around her! Now, Handsome, being a very tolerant individual was willing to let his former wife attempt to act like the sun and try to shine. Unfortunately, more often than not, it was overcast and cloudy, if you get my drift.

Handsome, being the child of a formidable Southern woman, had been properly taught that household chores and such were equal opportunity activities. On Saturdays, they would divide chores. Wifey always chose to take care of those inside the house, while directing Handsome to take care of those outside.

One such bright Saturday morning, wifey was apparently daunted by the challenges of her indoor responsibilities. At the same time, she somehow discerned that Handsome was just having more fun than a barrel of monkeys outside, doing the yard. She demanded an equal opportunity to have a “fun time” doing the lawn. Handsome obliged her and busied himself with vaccuming the rug.

After some time, Handsome busy with the vaccum glances out the window and sees wifey coming around the house, lawn mower and gas can in tow. Handsome, somewhat taken aback, paused and watched in amazement wifey’s attempt to start-up the lawn mower.

Carefully uncapping the gas can, wifey begins searching the mower for the tank. Under normal conditions, being a true Southern gentleman, I believe Handsome would have offered wifey some valuable words of assistance, but her shrewish behavior earlier that morning had left him unwilling to put himself in “the line of fire” again, so to speak. The important words Handsome would have offered were simple enough——gas is not required when using an ELECTRIC mower!

There Handsome stands, observing out the front window, wifey twisting, turning, screeching and shoving the ELECTRIC mower as she was attempting to put gas in it. The humor of the situation did not escape him and as he is rolling on the floor, clutching his sides and hiccuping with laughter, wifey comes in to find out why she can’t find the gas tank on the ELECTRIC mower.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, finding Handsome prostrate with laughter only added to her ire. The more angry she got, the harder he laughed until he finally sputtered out the secret to her dilemma————the mower was ELECTRIC.

Somehow, armed with that bit of knowledge, wifey managed to get the lawn mowed while Handsome finished the indoor chores. Few words passed between them the rest of the day!

The moral of the story: the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence, ……or behind the mower!

Bless her heart, my Mama sure knows how to touch mine! She sent me (via email) this Dahlin’ tribute to Carolina girls evah’where! I’m sure once you’ve read it, ya’ll will want to be a Carolina girls, too!

Bless your hearts…………

CAROLINA GIRLS…….BEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a South Carolina girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for breakfast, lunch and supper. The first day he didn’t see anything. The second day he didn’t see anything. But, by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down and he could see enough out of his left eye to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

Got to love them South Carolina girls!

From the annals of “The Stupid Husband Stories”…….

One of my pals had married well and lived in a lovely house on a couple acres in a nearby neighborhood. As is common is suburbia, men who don’t know one end of a shovel from the other suddenly, finding themselves owning more square footage than a patio, become “landscapers extraordinaire“. This is a story about one such situation.

My girlfriend, Sugar, told me this tale one evening not too long after she and the hubby had parted ways permanently. We were having some goodies with our wine and talking about home maintenance issues we needed to address. The conversation quickly led to the discussion of men and their yards.

For years now I have marveled at the transformation of the male populace which occurs each year about the time Lowe’s begins to put out plant selections for spring. Actually, it happens in the fall too, but not on as large a scale.

One fine Spring day, Sugar’s ex decided that they had an erosion problem on the side yard. His solution was to put some low evergreen shrubs there. The entrance to their driveway was already planted with the same type shrubs. He, of course, went to Lowe’s to purchase more.

Upon returning, Hubby informed Sugar he was upset that the only shrubs available at Lowe’s were the one-gallon size. The ones at the driveway entrance were probably 20-gallon size at that point as they had been in place several years. She gently explained that the shrubs at the driveway entrance were originally the same size as the ones he had purchased. She assured him that in no time at all the new shrubs, once planted, would be as big and full as the driveway ones.

He was not satisfied. He promptly announced that he had decided while at Lowe’s selecting his one-gallon shrubs that he wanted the 20-gallons shrubs on the side yard. (He has also apparently concluded that the erosion problem was so great, the house might slide down the 2% grade———go figure.) His solution was simple. They would dig up the shrubs at the driveway entrance and move them to the side yard.

Now, here, I need to point out a few salient facts. First, there were about 8 of these shrubs and they were BIG. Second, Sugar is what she calls “vertically challenged” which means short to you and me. Hubby fully believed that she would have the ability to assist him in this little moving strategy.

So, Sugar tries to gather up the bush branches of a plant that is wider in diameter than she is tall—-quite a picture, as you can imagine—while hubby attempts to dig it up. Apparently, this particular evergreen shrub grows large and is excellent for erosion problems because the root systems underground are bigger than the plants above.

Hubby, at first, would not be dissuaded that his strategy might not be working so well. Sugar, scratched head to toe and covered with some very sticky sap, is trying to resist the homicidal urges Hubby evokes when he’s in his “I know what I’m doing” mode.

Fortunately, before the homicidal urges and hormone swings completely took control of her otherwise pleasant disposition, Sugar gently suggested once again that Hubby plant the small, newly purchased shrubs on the side yard and leave the #@$%^&* monster shrubs right where they were!

Instantly, Hubby sweating profusely, his face beet red and breathing so laboriously that Sugar suspects (maybe secretly hopes) he’s on the verge of a coronary, throws down the shovel and announces with great authority that he’s decided to plant the new small shrubs in the side yard since the one he’s been attacking for over an hour has “an excellent root system”. He has, after careful consideration, mind you, determined that the “excellent root systems” will ensure that they will have no erosion problems at the driveway entrance. Imagine that!

Sugar did manage to avoid killin’ him and I think her self-control is admirable. Fortunately, the divorce came in the nick of time—–just prior to peri-menopause. Good thing too, jailhouse orange just wouldn’t suit her at all! Ahhh—the things we women avoid in order to dress in good taste——horizontal strips, lycra pants, neon orange jumpsuits, KFC chicken, McDonald’s quarter pounders, full-size boxes of Whitman’s samplers——–you get the idea!

If you ever had any doubt, I am here to tell you, cats and dogs chose their people, people don’t chose them! In all my years growing up, we had numerous pets–both cats and dogs. No matter what was said at the time they were brought home, they chose. As a kid, more often than not, the chosen one was my mother. Looking back it was pretty obvious, she was the one they counted on for food and care.

As I established my own home after college, I decided to “adopt” my first pet. It was a cat and he chose me. I can’t explain how. Here I was, going to the SPCA with every intention of picking out a cat for myself. Forget it! There I was in a room full of kitties and they’re all ready to go home with me but, suddenly, there’s this one who has locked on to me with these great big green eyes and he’s effectively telling me, “I’ve decided, you’re it, I’m going home with you.”

People say cats are aloof. They’re not really–except to those they haven’t chosen to adopt. Once they’ve decided you’re the one, they’re like a second skin. They will follow you around, “talk” your ear off and remind you constantly that you are “their” chosen one. It’s a lot like hero worship and, if you find the cat that decides you’re the ONE, it’s the love of a lifetime. They will not abandon you for another love, money or fresh fish! The only thing that can tear them from your side as your ever-loving companion is death.

As my first experience of this phenomenom was with a cat, I continued, once he went to the great sand box in the sky, to allow myself to be the owner of a cat that had “chosen” me as his person. I use the male pronoun because they have all been male. Since they were also all neutered, I doubt the sex is that significant, but you just never know.

My current kitty has decided that I’m not as suited to his taste for a life-long companion as Darlin’ Boy! He jumped ship, so to speak, fairly soon after Darlin’ Boy arrived on the scene. That cat believes that Darlin’ Boy lives to be his person. Cats can be very self-centered, don’t cha’ know! However, they are very loving to the people they choose and Darlin’ Boy is rewarded for his attention. Kitty brings him presents, comes when he calls, “talks” to him constantly and keeps Darlin’ Boy warm by plastering himself against him anytime he sits down. He’ll even sit still for me to give him an occasional bath, if Darlin’ Boy holds him. And, as I live and breath, Darlin’ Boy fawns over this cat and still tries to tell me he’s not a cat person! Yeah, right! He has just never been chosen by a cat before. It’s a heady experience, to be sure!

Never have I been the “chosen” person for a dog. We had all kinds of dogs when I was growing up. I never felt particularly attached to any of them and, while they were always friendly and playful, they were not particularly attached to me either.

Things changed abruptly when Doggie appeared on the scene. As I mentioned, he was my parents dog for many years. From the very first time we were introduced, I felt an attachment. At our first meeting, he stood up on his hind legs, put his front paws on my shoulders, cupped them around my neck and pulled me to him for a hug. A doggie hug——–a first for me!

Over the years, I always felt a special attachment for Doggie and loved to visit him when I went to visit the folks. Now, it’s just a whole different ballgame. Despite the attachment to my Dad, his affection for Beau (they were puppies together) and his appreciation for Darlin’ Boy, I am his person of choice. He is my doggie and I know that he picked me, not the other way around.

So, imagine my surprise at 40+ to finally have my first doggie! It’s an amazing thing–and as the song says, they call it Puppy Love!

Have you ever noticed there’s sort of a karma where keys are concerned. You can lose one and never find it or find one that you didn’t realize you loss. Better still is when you discover that you have one (or several) that you don’t recognize and have no idea how they came to be in your possession. My desk drawer is often a gold-mine of keys that I don’t recognize.

My parents found a set of keys in the street the other day. My mom, who has the eyesight of a hawk, spotted them in the road as they were getting ready to leave a shopping center. So, in his usual Good Samaritan fashion, my Dad pulled over, waited for traffic to clear and retrieved them.

Interestingly enough, a few years ago, these keys would be completely unidentifiable. Now, thanks to just about every retail store having a key-ring, bar coded tag for their “special” customers, there was a possibility that the owner might be found. (Note: the definition of “special customer” are the ones that shop at a store, want the discounted/sales price, so they have to have the store’s bar-coded tag to ensure they receive it. Another story, for another day!)

It was fairly obvious when my father showed them to me that the owner would be desperate to locate them. (I know I’m usually panicked!) The car key was one of those flip-open security types that have to be made at the factory. The ring included, in addition to several retailer’s tags, what appeared to be several house type keys, perhaps an office key, and some specialty keys that could fit anything from a footlocker to a safety deposit box.

If you have ever misplaced your keys, even once (I do it on a routine basis), then you know that sudden heart-wrenching feeling when you realize you have no idea where they are or when you last had them safely in your possession. I hate that, don’t you?

I contacted one of the retailer’s whose tag was on the ring and their response was for me to mail the keys to them, a place several states north of here, and they would attempt to return them to the rightful owner. From the disinterested sound of the operator’s voice, I wasn’t left with a lot of confidence that the keys would ever find their way back to Richmond, let alone to the owner.

Deliberating further, I contacted another retailer whose tag was on the ring and explained my predicament. They were understanding and offered the name of an apartment community nearby. So I called the apartment complex offices and, yes, they knew the key’s owner. He had been into the office previously reporting the loss of his keys in case someone found them in the complex.

I was so relieved. I dropped them off at the apartment offices on my way home. The owner called to thank me but karma being what it is and my keys often being on the other end of it, I was just happy to have reconnected those keys with their owner. I have been extremely fortunate over the years to have benefited from the efforts of kind folks who’ve gone out of their way to reconnect me with something I’ve lost. I’ve lost my cell phone a couple of times, my keys on various occasions, and alas, my day-timer (back in the day before everyone had a PDA, the day-timer was my bible of information, and there was no computer backup for it! ).

So, the karma for me was simple, what goes around, comes around. I’ve been the grateful recipient more times than I can count so it’s just a matter of returning the favor………….

Have you ever seen anything like the behavior of Democrats and Republicans when an election is on the horizon, the market goes up or down, there’s yet another natural disaster or some other political Snafu? I’ve seen toddlers in a pre-school playground fighting for the last ice cream cone with more manners.

And you can bet your last dime and win, whatever happens will always be blamed on the other party. Who do these idiots think they’re fooling? Best I can tell, it’s about time for Americans to re-capture America, land of the free and brave, “government of the people, by the people and for the people”…………remember from your elementary school teachings. Government’s not about the people anymore, it’s about the government or, to be really blunt, it’s about the money!

I don’t care who is to blame anymore…………what I want to know is who is interested in fixing it? Give me real solutions to the problems we face today and I’ll vote for you. I don’t care if you’re a republican, a democrat, a liberal, a conservative, blue, green or grey……….just be honest and forthright, tell me what you can do, commit to doing it and get it done !

I don’t want to hear about the lobbyists, special interest groups, big business, or some other political agenda. I want my government to be about the people it represents, the individuals, not the groups. I firmly believe that if you take care of the individual citizens, the groups will take care of themselves and, preferably, there won’t be any because everyone will have what they need! I’m not talking about socialism or utopia, but our system allows a person to stagnate instead of growing and living life to the fullest. Give people the tools to grow and prosper, be it education, subsidized day-care, vocational training, or simply an opportunity, rather than a choice welfare or living on the street.

We’re the richest country in the world and yet we don’t take care of our own backyard. It needs Weed-Eating, folks! We’ve got too many weeds and the Round-Up has run out. Time to go after those deep-rooted suckers with an industrial-sized Weed-Wacker.

If every single elected official were replaced by a real, live person, instead of some special interest group politician whose goal is merely to get re-elected next time around, we might have a chance to correct the spiraling mess we currently call government. It’s just like a hurricane, the bigger and more “organized” it gets, the more destructive it becomes and the more devastation is left in its path. So, the big question…………….are there any real, live public servants out there?????

I don’t care if you’re photogenic and look good on TV. I don’t care if you smoked a marijuana cigarette during your misspent youth. I don’t care who you sleep with or if you sleep at all. I don’t believe that a particular religious bent makes you more likely to do what you’ll say you’ll do. I don’t believe not having a religious bent means you’re consorting with the devil. I don’t want someone who’s preaching about finding the devil and burning him into hell, either. If I want that, I’ll go down to the local fundamentalist church and listen to the preacher while he froths and pounds on the pulpit.

I want someone who is looking at the problems we face. Not enough jobs, no health insurance for some and spiraling healthcare costs for the rest of us, not enough schools, not enough teachers or people choosing to be lawyers over teachers because it pays better, or lawyers who make a mockery of law and have no concept of justice, or the inability for justice triumph over prejudice, hate and greed………………and that’s just to name a few!

I don’t want our kids worrying about getting shot at school or schools needing metal detectors at the entrances and police pratroling the hallways. I want our kids to understand and embrace the concepts of self-respect and dignity, truth and sincerity, individuality and being part of a team.

Do I think that this is impossible to achieve, No! Will it happen overnight, absolutely not! Even if it’s difficult and takes forever, it will still be better to try than do nothing at all. Some things may get worse before they get better, but some things will just get better than they were before.

It is true…….the sage author of the book told us, Everything I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten. You have to pay attention, tell the truth, respect your elders, learn to respect yourself, share, play, learn, give, try, work and want to make a difference. Embrace the positive and shake off the negative. Be grateful, believe in abundance, value the truth, make time for others, embrace everyday with energy, give and receive love, and listen to your soul when it whispers to you.

Important things are most often whispered, not shouted. Listen carefully and you’ll hear the difference!