Landscaping 101
From the annals of “The Stupid Husband Stories”…….
One of my pals had married well and lived in a lovely house on a couple acres in a nearby neighborhood. As is common is suburbia, men who don’t know one end of a shovel from the other suddenly, finding themselves owning more square footage than a patio, become “landscapers extraordinaire“. This is a story about one such situation.
My girlfriend, Sugar, told me this tale one evening not too long after she and the hubby had parted ways permanently. We were having some goodies with our wine and talking about home maintenance issues we needed to address. The conversation quickly led to the discussion of men and their yards.
For years now I have marveled at the transformation of the male populace which occurs each year about the time Lowe’s begins to put out plant selections for spring. Actually, it happens in the fall too, but not on as large a scale.
One fine Spring day, Sugar’s ex decided that they had an erosion problem on the side yard. His solution was to put some low evergreen shrubs there. The entrance to their driveway was already planted with the same type shrubs. He, of course, went to Lowe’s to purchase more.
Upon returning, Hubby informed Sugar he was upset that the only shrubs available at Lowe’s were the one-gallon size. The ones at the driveway entrance were probably 20-gallon size at that point as they had been in place several years. She gently explained that the shrubs at the driveway entrance were originally the same size as the ones he had purchased. She assured him that in no time at all the new shrubs, once planted, would be as big and full as the driveway ones.
He was not satisfied. He promptly announced that he had decided while at Lowe’s selecting his one-gallon shrubs that he wanted the 20-gallons shrubs on the side yard. (He has also apparently concluded that the erosion problem was so great, the house might slide down the 2% grade———go figure.) His solution was simple. They would dig up the shrubs at the driveway entrance and move them to the side yard.
Now, here, I need to point out a few salient facts. First, there were about 8 of these shrubs and they were BIG. Second, Sugar is what she calls “vertically challenged” which means short to you and me. Hubby fully believed that she would have the ability to assist him in this little moving strategy.
So, Sugar tries to gather up the bush branches of a plant that is wider in diameter than she is tall—-quite a picture, as you can imagine—while hubby attempts to dig it up. Apparently, this particular evergreen shrub grows large and is excellent for erosion problems because the root systems underground are bigger than the plants above.
Hubby, at first, would not be dissuaded that his strategy might not be working so well. Sugar, scratched head to toe and covered with some very sticky sap, is trying to resist the homicidal urges Hubby evokes when he’s in his “I know what I’m doing” mode.
Fortunately, before the homicidal urges and hormone swings completely took control of her otherwise pleasant disposition, Sugar gently suggested once again that Hubby plant the small, newly purchased shrubs on the side yard and leave the #@$%^&* monster shrubs right where they were!
Instantly, Hubby sweating profusely, his face beet red and breathing so laboriously that Sugar suspects (maybe secretly hopes) he’s on the verge of a coronary, throws down the shovel and announces with great authority that he’s decided to plant the new small shrubs in the side yard since the one he’s been attacking for over an hour has “an excellent root system”. He has, after careful consideration, mind you, determined that the “excellent root systems” will ensure that they will have no erosion problems at the driveway entrance. Imagine that!
Sugar did manage to avoid killin’ him and I think her self-control is admirable. Fortunately, the divorce came in the nick of time—–just prior to peri-menopause. Good thing too, jailhouse orange just wouldn’t suit her at all! Ahhh—the things we women avoid in order to dress in good taste——horizontal strips, lycra pants, neon orange jumpsuits, KFC chicken, McDonald’s quarter pounders, full-size boxes of Whitman’s samplers——–you get the idea! 
