Can You Hear This?

Apparently, you don’t have to be married for the S-word (Stupid) to come up in describing certain incidents that occur in failed relationships. Although I think the incident I’ve recently seen reported on several news services might be more the result of a hormone-issue than a stupid-issue.

Somewhere north of here, a man sued his ex-girlfriend for gluing is genitals to his abdomen. After dating a number of months, the couple broke up and the guy began dating someone else. The former girlfriend then invites the old boyfriend over to her residence one evening and he later falls asleep there.

Call me crazy, but, you gotta wonder just what the ex-boyfriend was doing that resulted in his need to take a nap at the ex-girlfriend’s place, short of her slipping him a mickey finn. My guess is the ex-boyfriend was “enjoying” his former girlfriend’s company, maybe for “old-times sake”, and, once his “visit” was complete, he made the mistake of falling asleep rather than going home.

A woman armed with a little “visitors” frustration and PMS can be a dangerous thing when left to her own devices. Ingenuity, bless her heart, was obviously one of her virtues as she reportedly not only super-glued the offending body part to the area below his belly-button, she gave new meaning to the word “constipation” when she “sealed up” his backside as well. She even had the presence-of-mind to autograph her handiwork by writing something “profound” on his back with nail polish.

Now, that right there will tell you, buddy-boy was obviously either already naked when he drifted off to dreamland or in a coma. Since the lawsuit he filed didn’t include charges for drug trafficking or the clubbing of his head, I vote for “already naked”.

One of buddy boy’s complaints was that once he awoke and discovered his “predicament”, he had to walk a mile to a phone to get assistance. Imagine the difficulty he would have had if the ex-girlfriend had glued his hands to his privates as well. Considering how often men have to manually check their privates, sometimes to scratch, sometimes just to make sure they’re still there, a little superglue on his palms, his hands strategically placed, would have been a fait accompli!

Wouldn’t that make for an interesting scene in the phone booth at the 7-Eleven? How’re you gonna dial 911 with your hands superglued to your privates? As Jeff Foxworthy says, “try going to sleep tonight with that image in your head!”

Rest assured, if an ex of mine was stupid enough to show up at my home, get naked and then proceed to take a nap, he would have no one to blame but himself for the condition (or location) of his body once he awoke. I wouldn’t tolerate the first word of complaint if he, say, found himself wearing a push-up bra, a thong, a garter belt, high heels, lipstick, and was laid out on the lawn of the local moose lodge or baptist church.

(I’ve never done it, but I thought it might give ya’ll some ideas worthy of consideration for future use, should you find yourself in such a situation I do try to be helpful when I can!)

As with all things, it’s important to note the lessons to be learned from this story:
1) Breaking up is hard to do, harder if you try to “re-visit” the situation later.
2) Once you break up, don’t return to “visit”. If you “visit”, don’t take a nap, especially a naked nap!
3) If you fall asleep naked at the ex’s place after a break up, don’t be surprised if you wake up a little “stuck”.
4) Nail polish remover is a good item to have on hand for cleaning up body art. (It will remove fake tatoos as well as nail polish.)
5) Be grateful if you find yourself only a mile away from a usable phone and your hands are free so you can dial 911 for assistance!