Can You Hear This?

One of my modern day heroines is the Boss Queen herself, Jill Connor Browne, of the Sweet Potato Queens. If you haven’t read any of her books, you must run out ASAP to the nearest bookstore and buy yourself some, preferably the whole set. Then, get yourself some of your favorite snack things, [fried, au gratin or chocolate are best] set yourself down and prepare to laugh yourself silly. Laughter is, as you well know, the very BEST medicine of all. If the idea of laughing hysterically, with tears rolling down your face, while reading a book embarrasses you, then pick someplace private, like your bedroom and commence to “healing” yourself.

If you’re not familiar with Ms. Browne’s literary talents, then the title of this post may be confusing, so let me explain…..

You Never wear panties to a party! is an SPQ motto. You have to read the “Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love” to understand how this came to pass but I will tell you of my recent experience which has some basic similarities to the one that started it all with the SPQs.

I was getting dressed recently to go to a fancy “do” that a dear friend invited me and Darlin’ Boy to attend. I have an appropriate “little black dress” for such an occasion, but of course, wanting to ensure that I presented a smooth silhouette, I chose to wear my panty hose sans panties. My Mama, bless her heart, just loved the little satin pumps I bought to go with the dress but after viewing them earlier in the afternoon, decided that they must be treated with Scotchguard to protect them from dirt and stains. She, conveniently, had a can and said she would fix them right up and bring them to me once I’d gotten dressed. (She doesn’t have plastic slip covers on the furniture, thank god, but she is a firm believer in Scotchguard.)

As I finished dressing, she came up to my bedroom with my newly treated shoes. As I started to put the shoes on, I discovered I had a run in my brand new pair of pantyhose. Fortunately, having bought the hose in bulk, I had another new pair handy. Mama, still sharp as a tack, don’t ya know, immediately noted I was putting the hose on sans panties and stated loudly that I “wasn’t wearing any underwear”, like I didn’t know?!!

In true SPQ fashion, without looking up from putting on my new hose, I said, “You never wear panties to a party!” I could practically HEAR the explosion of thoughts going through her mind from across the room, glanced up to see her sitting on the chaise, with a mixed look of disbelief and wonder. You’d thought I’d just pointed out one of the great secrets of the universe and she’s confused how had I known about it all these years, yet she didn’t.

Still taken aback by my comment, she queried, “why not”. I promptly replied, “You just don’t, everybody knows that”. Her next comment took me by surprise. “Well, that explains it. I never understood before why whenever we get together with Bob and Myrna to go out on the town, Bob never wants Myrna to wear underwear”. Knowing the crowd my parents hang out with, I found this statement simply amazing—but way too much information, thank you very much!

Just goes to show, kids, no matter how much you try to be open-minded and adult about it, it’s just really hard to see your parents in the same light when you begin to learn that they actually used to do,[ and maybe still do] all the same things that you do [or used to do]! They weren’t sober, celibate, or sedate in their youth and might be giving definition to the term “sexy senior citizen”.

So, remember, boys and girls, no matter what your age or what you’re doing………………..your parents have already “been there, done that!” And, never wear panties to a party because you just never know……………..

Have a Happy and Safe New Year! Best Wishes for a Peaceful and Prosperous 2006!

As most of you that visit regularly know, I get some pretty interesting stuff via email from friends, family and, of course, my Mama! I got the following list of rules from a ‘Bama friend. For those that are fortunate enough to be traveling through God’s country, otherwise known as THE SOUTH, pay attention!

Now, I’ve copied these rules for all you non-Southerners for your enjoyment, enlightenment and safe passage through our great land. It does occur to me once I read through these rules that they could be slightly altered and applied to the many foreigners (pronounced here “furrr-rin-ners” down here) that have decided to visit or move here. Bottom line, if you’re going to come here, and I mean anywhere in the entire US of A now, then don’t complain. We didn’t invite you and we don’t require you to stay if you’re unhappy with what you find. Go home and be happy!

For the inexperienced traveler, these are fairly simple rules, easy to follow and will definitely ensure that you don’t “borrow trouble” while you’re here! Cheers to the author!

Subject: South Rules

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did MORE work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It’s called a “dirt road.” No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. The red dirt — it’s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don’t wash your car for a couple weeks — it’ll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for — bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards (ducks) are making their final approach, we will shoot it (the phone). You might want to ensure it’s not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is really, really sweet. You want it hot — sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened — add a LOT of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So, you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine (it’s farm equipment) that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church
on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address
our seniors with “yes, sir” and “yes, ma’am,” and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don’t do “hurry up” well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don’t putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like (money). Get it - pig farms - income - money? Get over it. Don’t like the smell? Interstate 75 goes two ways - Interstate 20 goes the other two Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and
sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-75 north then I-40 west.

19. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get
pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -
and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they’re not baseball players.

22. That State Trooper that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot — his name is “Sir,” no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and
they’ll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature — all four of them — enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don’t care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not stay there?

26. And no, down here we don’t have an accent, you do.

Ya’ll have fun and come back now, ya hear!

It never ceases to amaze me how things that would seem obvious to most of us go by others, fellow inhabitants of this planet, as if they are deaf, dumb and blind.

Bill Engvall, a favorite comedian of mine, has built a career on of the stupidity of folks stating the obvious. His “Here’s your sign” jokes are hilarious and remind me, if nothing else, not to take myself too seriously. Every day you can find an example of the “Here’s your sign” mentality in action. I observed the following example recently.

As you might guess, when you plan to purchase a firearm of any kind there is a procedure you must follow and questions that must be answered. I knew there was a process but I didn’t really know what it involved as I don’t own any firearms and have never purchased one. However, I have a friend that recently decided to purchase one and, having no other plans, I went along to see how the process works.

You must plan in advance to purchase a gun because you are required to produce 3 types of identification. One must be a photo id. For the other two, I got the impression they like voter’s registration cards and car registrations, but they may take passports, photo work ids, etc. as well. Obviously, you need to know in advance what is acceptable and take those documents with you.

There are several forms you must complete at the time of purchase, too. The forms require all pertinent information such as name, date of birth, address, social security number and so on. There are also a number of questions. Some are pretty basic………….“are you a US citizen?”, for example. But some of the other questions leave me wondering just who makes up these forms, anyway?

Are you currently under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Excuse me, have you ever seen anyone strolling or driving around telling folks around him, “oh, by the way, I’m drunk as a skunk” ?? If you’re outside a frat house on the day of a big game——maybe—–but, most of the time, you hear something like, “uh, officer, I only had two beers and I’m right as rain, with absolutely no warning at all, that telephone poll just jumped right out in front of the car!!” Therefore, I seriously doubt that someone “under the influence” is going to ‘fess up while filling out a questionaire, especially if they decided while “under the influence” buying a gun is a good idea.

Do you currently have a restraining order against you? Your neighbor has cut your hedges down without permission and you have threatened to mow down his begonias. As a result, you have a restraining order requiring that you remain at least 50 feet away from his prized garden. OR, you’ve threatened to kill your cheatin’, no good spouse, and s/he has taken it seriously, thus a restraining order to stay clear. In either instance, if you are seeking a gun with which to dispatch your neighbor or cheatin’ spouse, Are You Going To Say So On a Freakin’ Questionaire ???? I think not!

And, last, not least, but, definitely the most absurd, Are you a fugitive from justice? Yep, folks, it’s spelled out right there on the form. Call me crazy but, if you’re a fugitive from justice and seeking a gun, you are probably not prone to telling the truth in the first place. In the second, you probably aren’t going to stand up and raise your hand by saying “Yes” to such a question when trying to purchase a firearm. Duh!

Believe it or not, the salesman at the gun shop provided some amazing feedback. Apparently, much as I find it “Here’s your sign” stupid, many people will answer those questions affirmatively. They then appear shocked and surprised when two burly state troopers arrive to “assist them into custody.” The salesman said that, in such cases, he offers at the close of such a transaction to show the potential gun owner and self-admitted fugitive, how to break down and clean their new gun. They never seem to pick up on this delay until the troopers arrive………….

The moral of the story……………..be careful how you answer the questions, the truth will not always set you free!