Can You Hear This?

The older I get the more I understand the good fortune I had of being born in the South. I also have learned that everywhere in this country people have what they refer to as friends which to them could be their best pal from first grade or the cashier at the local grocery store that remembers their name, it doesn’t matter if they’ve known the individual decades or minutes, they are considered a friend.

In the South, even as a small child, I understood the difference between “knowing of” someone, an acquaintance, an associate (usually business-related) and a friend. In the South, you have Best Friends and here it is possible and commonplace to have more than one.

Unfortunately, none of my Best Friends live close by, they are all several hours drive or several hours flight away. However, whether I saw them last week or last year, I can show up at their homes welcome anytime. I know their kitchens, they know mine. If I’m there and get up first, I make coffee and/or breakfast. If they’re here and they get up first, they make coffee and/or breakfast. When they ask “How’s your family?” they actually want to know and expect to hear not just about my son or Darlin’ Boy, but Mama and Daddy, my brother, his wife and any antics of any of the
Aunts, Uncles or Cousins that may have transpired since the last time we talked. And while I may never have laid eyes on some of their family members, I know all about them, ask after them and can remember the details that have changed since the last time I asked.

This was sent to me by one of my best friends—cheers to the author!! No matter where you live, I hope you have the good fortune of having a “southern friend”!

FRIENDS” VS. “SOUTHERN” FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of It.

FRIENDS: Will say “hello”.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More than one.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and hug and kiss them hello too.

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you; and for you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. And most of the time know you better than you do yourself.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that’s what the crowd is doing.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the back-ends of the whole crowd that left you. Then walk beside you in the front of the crowd.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, “I’m home!” If you are not home they will wait.

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.

Our kitty, as you might know, is an interesting fellow. He weighs about 20lbs. and he’s not fat, he’s just big. At my old house, there was a small creek that ran behind the house. Kitty often brought me presents since the presence of the creek increased the abundance of critters around. At one point, because I was traveling so much and he preferred outside to in, the food I left for him on the deck became of interest to a family of raccoons and he fought them off too—-and it was 5 fairly large raccoons to one very indignant kitty.

My current home has a detached garage and as happens during winter months, if there is anything kept there that provides food for small creatures, they will become uninvited guests of the domain. Several small field mice apparently discovered a old bag of dry dog food from when Doggie first came to live with us. Old age precludes Doggie from eating dry food anymore and the bag, as often happens in garages, got shoved behind some other junk and forgotten. It was discovered by the mice and so they moved in and invited their friends to come party.

On the discovery of these little creatures inhabiting my extended living space, I promptly asked Darlin’ Boy to dispatch them for me. As I was leaving for the store, he asked that I purchase traps. Further questioned, he stated he wanted the old-fashioned spring traps which I really don’t care for at all. However, since he was going to take care of the mouse problem, I figured I couldn’t complain how he was going about it….

Once at the store, I discovered some alternative traps which were more humane and allowed for the release of the mouse unharmed, so I got both kinds. To my pleasure, Darlin’ Boy discovered that my humane “sticky” traps worked very well and didn’t require bait, so he used those. Over the next several days, several members of the mouse community found themselves stuck to the traps and Darlin’ Boy would carry them to a small wooded area near our house and released them back to their natural habitat.

All was going just swell until a recent morning when I opened the garage door and saw as I stepped in a small grey mouse stuck to one of the traps and struggling furiously to detach himself. Before I could react, Kitty came racing into the garage, ran right pass the mouse, which ceased moving and became still as death. Kitty was intent on another area of the garage at first but quickly “caught wind of” the stuck mouse and promptly pounced.

(I don’t know if I can do justice to what transpired in written form and, to this day, I regret I didn’t have a video recorder of some kind but, hopefully, the following description will provide your imagination with a good idea of what happened…)

Kitty leaped across the garage and landed on the mouse and trap. While Kitty had landed such that he could grasp the mouse in his jaws, he also unintentionally glued himself to the trap. His face, with the mouse surrounded by his teeth, stuck to one corner while two of his paws stuck to the the other side of the trap. As he realized his predicament and began to stuggle, more of his body became attached to the trap. The more he fought the worse it got. The best visual I can think of is the old Looney Tune cartoon character, Tasmanian Devil, who whirled, buzzed and chopped through air, trees and boulders like a tornado.

Kitty flew, flipped, twisted, turned and grappled until the sticky board tore apart separating his face and one paw, while the other paw remained attached to the corner with the mouse. Once mostly separated from the trap, he raced out of the garage, across the drive and around the house. I followed, still hoping to retrieve the mouse, unharmed, and release both the cat and the mouse from the trap.

I found Kitty hiding around the house in the mulch bed behind the shrubs, apparently wise enough not to try and bite the mouse again for fear of re-attaching his face to the sticky board. Unfortunately, the mouse did not survive the Kitty’s whirlwind flight around the garage. After some hesitation, Kitty did allow me to remove the deceased and the remainder of the trap from his paw, though he did remain hidden in the bushes the rest of the day, obviously traumatized.

Kitty doesn’t race into the garage anytime he finds the door open anymore. As for the mouse community, they have departed—whether they witnessed the demise of their friend and ran for their lives or Darlin’ Boy caught the rest and released them into the woods, I’m not sure but I’ll never forget the vision of Kitty’s Oscar-worthy impersonation of Taz! Quite a Cat-tas-trophy!

If you’ve ever shopped for medical insurance for yourself or spent time trying to decipher your plan’s coverage, as in what the insurance will and will not pay for, then you’d probably agree with me that it can be very confusing. I have a great agent and he has attempted on more than one occasion to help me better understand my coverage and what other options there are available. I still find the prospect of trying to change policies daunting. As part of his service, my agent also publishes a regular newsletter which offers all types of insurance and health tips. His recent newsletter provided the best possible relief to the stresses of the week…..laughter! Last Friday, he sent the newsletter below. He said he can’t take credit for it fully because he just re-formatted the questions and answers from an email he received. So, while I don’t know who deserves credit for the original, cheers to you, Alan, for sharing this and, of course, cheers to the author!

This week’s tips are an attempt to dispel the myth that insurance agents don’t have a sense of humor. That is simply not true. In fact, a recent study showed that compared to actuaries, insurance agents are the life of the party! Below is some information which may be useful when you are trying to figure out your HMO. We have also included some information we found about diet and exercise that may be valuable. Have a great weekend, Alan!

Insurance Questions Answered

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Beer is made out of grain. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.