Can You Hear This?

If you’ve ever shopped for medical insurance for yourself or spent time trying to decipher your plan’s coverage, as in what the insurance will and will not pay for, then you’d probably agree with me that it can be very confusing. I have a great agent and he has attempted on more than one occasion to help me better understand my coverage and what other options there are available. I still find the prospect of trying to change policies daunting. As part of his service, my agent also publishes a regular newsletter which offers all types of insurance and health tips. His recent newsletter provided the best possible relief to the stresses of the week…..laughter! Last Friday, he sent the newsletter below. He said he can’t take credit for it fully because he just re-formatted the questions and answers from an email he received. So, while I don’t know who deserves credit for the original, cheers to you, Alan, for sharing this and, of course, cheers to the author!

This week’s tips are an attempt to dispel the myth that insurance agents don’t have a sense of humor. That is simply not true. In fact, a recent study showed that compared to actuaries, insurance agents are the life of the party! Below is some information which may be useful when you are trying to figure out your HMO. We have also included some information we found about diet and exercise that may be valuable. Have a great weekend, Alan!

Insurance Questions Answered

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Beer is made out of grain. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

In honor of one of my favorite comedy routines, I’m posting this message I received from my brother. I remember watching Abbott and Costello re-runs on Saturday mornings sometimes instead of cartoons. I loved the “Who’s on first?” routine. Cheers to the author! Enjoy…

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business? What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal? What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything
I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…..

;)

My Mama, Bless her heart, just can’t resist sending me various email jokes, funny stories, etc. and sent me the one below. To this day, I’ll never understand how the woman who can’t operate the DVD/VCR I gave her for Christmas, and doesn’t know the difference between a flash drive and a flash light, has managed to master email, but she does.

Whoever wrote this was definitely thinking “outside the box”, and I must say, it’s pretty funny, even if it isn’t necessarily “politically correct”. Cheers to the author!

A Win Win Win Situation

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida. Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border

* Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans

* Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

A recent article in The Wall Street Journal extolls the risks of online dating. It goes so far as to indicate that marriages from online dating have a higher divorce rate. The reason—the false claims made in the profiles. They’re kidding, right?

Are we suppose to believe that prior to the internet, when meeting prospective date candidates in the venues then available (ie. bars, discos, parties, etc.) that people were always truthful about their “profile”? I’ve seen women lie about their age and their name and men lie about their job, financial picture and where they live. I’ve known both sexes to lie about their current relationship status, be it “going steady”, engaged or married, if they are on the prowl for a “new” opportunity.

If anything, because of the writing requirement, the internet provides more clues to person’s make up than what you get gazing across a smoky bar! It also gives you time to communicate with another individual extensively prior to even seeing them in person. In days gone by, it was NORMAL for people to write to each other for long periods of time before getting down to the brass tacks of regular meetings, now called dates.

Just in my personal experience, I’ve met some really nice people in bars, discos, at parties and on the internet. I’ve met just as many jerks, liars and ne’er-do-wells in bars, discos, at parties and on the internet. One of my absolute worse experiences was a meeting arranged by my parents and an uncle. Should have been fairly safe ground, right? Wrong!!! The guy turned out to be a total jerk and a lech to boot.

Bottom line, boys and girls, whether you’re out there trolling the hot spots in person or surfing the net online, there are basic rules and guidelines you should follow when meeting someone new. The following is my suggested list of questions, you may have some additional requirements but these are basic enough to get you started.

Profile Piercing Questions for a new Prospect:

1. What’s your name? Do you have a photo id to verify that?
2. Do you have a job? Can I see a copy of your most recent paycheck?
3. What kind of car do you drive? Can I see your license and registration?
4. Do you have good credit? Can I have your name, address and Social Security number so I can pull a credit report?
5. Are you physically fit? Can I check in with your family physician to verify your overall health?
6. Do you smoke? Can I check your body for nicotine patches?
7. Do you drink? How many fingers am I holding up? or Stand on one foot and count to 30!
8. Do you live alone? I will, of course, be checking the closets and bathroom medicine cabinet if we ever go there!
9. Are you on the lamb, a convicted felon or currently dodging the IRS? Can I check with the local police department for your arrest record?

And most important these days,
10. Can I assume that all body parts are natural? If not, are they enhanced by surgery, cosmetics or medication?

Seriously, whatever the venue when meeting a potential dating candidate, use caution and common sense, take your time and get to know the person. Whether s/he turns out to be the love of your life or not, you’ll have a better chance of meeting nice folks and making new friends.

Best advice—Never judge a book by it’s cover and take time to “read between the lines”!

It never ceases to amaze me how things that would seem obvious to most of us go by others, fellow inhabitants of this planet, as if they are deaf, dumb and blind.

Bill Engvall, a favorite comedian of mine, has built a career on of the stupidity of folks stating the obvious. His “Here’s your sign” jokes are hilarious and remind me, if nothing else, not to take myself too seriously. Every day you can find an example of the “Here’s your sign” mentality in action. I observed the following example recently.

As you might guess, when you plan to purchase a firearm of any kind there is a procedure you must follow and questions that must be answered. I knew there was a process but I didn’t really know what it involved as I don’t own any firearms and have never purchased one. However, I have a friend that recently decided to purchase one and, having no other plans, I went along to see how the process works.

You must plan in advance to purchase a gun because you are required to produce 3 types of identification. One must be a photo id. For the other two, I got the impression they like voter’s registration cards and car registrations, but they may take passports, photo work ids, etc. as well. Obviously, you need to know in advance what is acceptable and take those documents with you.

There are several forms you must complete at the time of purchase, too. The forms require all pertinent information such as name, date of birth, address, social security number and so on. There are also a number of questions. Some are pretty basic………….“are you a US citizen?”, for example. But some of the other questions leave me wondering just who makes up these forms, anyway?

Are you currently under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Excuse me, have you ever seen anyone strolling or driving around telling folks around him, “oh, by the way, I’m drunk as a skunk” ?? If you’re outside a frat house on the day of a big game——maybe—–but, most of the time, you hear something like, “uh, officer, I only had two beers and I’m right as rain, with absolutely no warning at all, that telephone poll just jumped right out in front of the car!!” Therefore, I seriously doubt that someone “under the influence” is going to ‘fess up while filling out a questionaire, especially if they decided while “under the influence” buying a gun is a good idea.

Do you currently have a restraining order against you? Your neighbor has cut your hedges down without permission and you have threatened to mow down his begonias. As a result, you have a restraining order requiring that you remain at least 50 feet away from his prized garden. OR, you’ve threatened to kill your cheatin’, no good spouse, and s/he has taken it seriously, thus a restraining order to stay clear. In either instance, if you are seeking a gun with which to dispatch your neighbor or cheatin’ spouse, Are You Going To Say So On a Freakin’ Questionaire ???? I think not!

And, last, not least, but, definitely the most absurd, Are you a fugitive from justice? Yep, folks, it’s spelled out right there on the form. Call me crazy but, if you’re a fugitive from justice and seeking a gun, you are probably not prone to telling the truth in the first place. In the second, you probably aren’t going to stand up and raise your hand by saying “Yes” to such a question when trying to purchase a firearm. Duh!

Believe it or not, the salesman at the gun shop provided some amazing feedback. Apparently, much as I find it “Here’s your sign” stupid, many people will answer those questions affirmatively. They then appear shocked and surprised when two burly state troopers arrive to “assist them into custody.” The salesman said that, in such cases, he offers at the close of such a transaction to show the potential gun owner and self-admitted fugitive, how to break down and clean their new gun. They never seem to pick up on this delay until the troopers arrive………….

The moral of the story……………..be careful how you answer the questions, the truth will not always set you free!

I got this story via email from my best friend from college—-it’s just too funny not to share it with you. Being an English major and having taught English at a community college, I have to say I would have given the student an A+ as well! Sometimes less is more!

A college english lit class was given an assignment to write an essay using as few words as possible. The essay was to include the following 3 things:

1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

The only student to receive an A+ on the essay wrote the following:

Good God!
I’m pregnant!
I wonder who the father is?

Every day I learn that you can never say I’ve heard it all because, sure as shootin’, the next person that opens their mouth in your presence is probably going to prove you wrong. The most amazing shockers I hear these days are ususally related to money matters. Untold numbers of myths exist out there, but here are few I’ve heard more than once.

I have a client that believed paying the late fees on her bills meant the creditor wouldn’t report the payment as being late. It was quite a shock for her to learn that, no, the creditor collects the late fee for late payment and still reports it as late to the credit bureaus. They don’t cut you any slack just because you went ahead and sent them that extra amount they charge you for not paying on time.

I have heard several times the stories of woe experienced when a checking account was overdrawn. Believe it or not, just because you have checks in your checkbook, it doesn’t mean you have money in the bank. According to some of my banking friends, this is a common misconception among lots of folks. Maybe the bank should hold an educational seminar…………………..?

One client was in a financial pickle because she failed to realize co-signing a loan actually means you’re accepting responsibility for it. The company she worked for had a credit union on site and members could get a loan of several thousand dollars with just a couple of signatures, theirs and someone else’s. The result, when the company started laying people off and the credit union began calling in the loans, she was responsible for over $10,000 of other people’s debt. Word to the wise, if you don’t want to pay for it, don’t sign up!

I often get asked if there is such a thing as too much credit? The answer: YES! Every time you open another charge account, even if the credit limit is only a few thousand dollars, it’s still more credit. Assuming that you are one of those people who likes to take advantage of the sales clerk’s offer to “open a new charge account with us now and save 10% on today’s purchases”, listen to me. The answer to that question should always be……………NO, NO, NO!

How did I learn that? At one time in my youth, long before I knew anything about the mortgage business or credit, I heard my Aunt, whose husband is a minister, saying that she couldn’t believe the bank had refused them credit for something. The banker in question was a member of their church and knew that they were financially responsible people. So what was the problem? The answer: since it wasn’t common knowledge that too much credit could be a problem, the banker met with them to explain. It turns out that with all the store charge cards and other credit cards she had, she had over a $100,000 of available credit. This is a bad thing when you are trying to get new credit. The bank was looking at the amount of debt she had the potential to incurr if she went on a shopping spree. That was when I learned there was such a thing as too much of a good thing. The story made enough of an impression on me that as I got older and began to have the sale clerk’s ask me if I wanted to “open an account today” I knew to say no!

I actually learned that lesson twice, the first time was when my great-grandmother, knowing I loved chocolate, gave me a whole bag of Hershey’s milk chocolate stars and said I could eat all I wanted. Naturally, being 7 or 8 at the time, I ate the whole bag. I definitely learned the concept of too much of a good thing can be bad on that occasion.

In my day job, doing mortgages, I am finding it more and more difficult to deal with the misconceptions consumer’s are getting today about how financing works. Advertisements for 100% financing and interest-only programs are everywhere. Advertisements offering loan programs for those just out of bankruptcy or have poor credit are just as popular. Advertisements with teaser rate offers are a constant.

Where is the reality? Reality is that you have to have adequate credit, some money for closings costs at the very least and a property that you can afford.

Every day we have another potential client come through the door believing he/she can get a loan with no credit, no money and have microscopic payments. Unfortunately, they’ve bought into the ideas the advertisments sell and think buying a $250,000 house and having a $800 a month payment with no money down is a possibility. It isn’t.

If you want to be a homeowner, you need to be realistic. Houses are expensive purchases and long-term investments. You don’t go into a deal of this size without some planning. You have to save some money. You have to work on having good credit. You have to accept the difference between what you want and what you can afford.

One of my loan officer’s put it succiently, “When I was young and saw the Valleydale commercials with the marching pigs singing “Hoooray for Valleydale”, I knew it wasn’t real, it was an advertisement. Pigs can’t sing! So why do people think just because it’s advertised that it’s gospel?”

When seeing, hearing or reading any advertisement, one should always exercise a little common sense. The adage “if it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t” is a good “rule of thumb.” Otherwise, singing pigs would be everywhere and everyone would own their dream home and have no mortgage.

10 for $10. They are lining up in the aisles. What’s 10 for $10? It doesn’t matter. The average American will purchase items that he/she doesn’t need or can’t even use just because it’s a “bargin”.

Despite the fact shopping is one of the great American pastimes (for both men and women), I am still amazed when very normal, rational and, otherwise fiscally responsible people I know will go completely “off their nut” (a truly Southern expression, meaning anything from slightly off to totally crazy) when they see those three little words, “sale, discount, and free”.

I know men with yards no bigger than a postage stamp who will go to Lowe’s and load down their SUV with enough lime and fertilizer for 10 acres because it was half price. I know women who live alone but go to Costco and buy anything from canned tuna to toilet paper in quanties large enough for a family of twelve.

There’s nothing wrong with buying in bulk to save money if you’re really saving, but most folks never look at it from the other perspective. Does it make sense for someone to “warehouse” in their pantry enough Slim Jims for an entire Boy Scout troop? It’s probably not cost effective even though they could host a camp out. Especially if they don’t know a Boy Scout, let alone a whole troop.

I had a Great-Aunt that lived alone and ate like a bird, but would go to Wal-mart and buy a 10 pound block of cheese because it was “on sale”. She was also fond of buying 12 boxes of holiday boxed Whitman’s samplers when they discounted them after the holiday. Then she loved to give them to folks when they came by to visit. Of course, you never knew if the box being given at Christmas with Easter packaging was from the same year or several years back. Until they opened it, that is.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good sale! My motto when shopping for clothes is “if it’s not on sale— it’s not my size.” But I once had an associate that believed “if it’s on sale buy it, whether it’s my size or not.” I have been shopping with this woman and she could walk up to a sale rack and walk away with anything from a size 6 to a size 12 and buy it. Bless her heart, she wore a size 14. It didn’t matter, if she liked and it was on sale, size didn’t matter. She had so many “returns” in the trunk of her car, I could have gone in it and dressed from head-to-toe for several days. And, that was just the stuff in there in my size.

In the future, as we move from the sale rack to the deep discounted section to the discontinued aisle, we should consider, very carefully, if 1) do I really need it?, 2) is there room for it in the garage?, 3) is it really my size?, and most important 4) does it make my backside look like it needs a banner that says “wide load”? Think about it !

It has been a very frustrating day for me as I am one of those technology “challenged” individuals. I’ve accepted the fact that as technology advances, I will continue to be a “special needs” student.

When computers started popping up everywhere and “surfing the net” was a major pasttime, I was a single Mom with a very limited budget and I didn’t own my own PC. As, at the time, I was working in the health care industry and they were one of the last to get on board with technology, I didn’t have a computer at work either.

By the time my budget included a PC, everyone was arguing over dial-up versus cable modem (which had just become available in my area). I didn’t even have an email address, let alone an understanding of the internet.

Now I work in an industry that relies almost totally on the internet for all transactions. I have a computer that is so portable it goes everywhere I do. One email address isn’t enough, I have four. Today, however, I think I would have done just as well with smoke signals.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me until almost 5 pm, my web-hosting service was having some server problems. It’s a computer, it happens! Nonetheless, I became suspicious around lunch time when I began to receive multiple copies of the same email messages to my work address.

Then, the phone calls started. Why had I not gotten an answer to a client’s question? Why hadn’t I sent that client the information requested? Why hadn’t I responded to an associate’s lunch query? It was safe to assume at this point that there was a problem somewhere.

Given my handicap, I, of course, began looking for operator errors……………mine! Imagine my relief upon learning that I hadn’t broken or screwed up anything, it was some other computer’s fault.

It’s going on 8 pm and email is still not working so if you start seeing smoke, read carefully, it’s from me!!!!